Complete terror gripped me when my husband of 13 years told me he wanted a divorce. He said all he wanted was to be happy. Little did he know that happiness wouldn’t be found in that new girlfriend of his, and his unhappiness couldn’t be drowned in all the alcohol and drugs he took to “get happy.”
Yes, it was a terrifying time in my life. The second time in my life that divorce would rock my foundation. The first one was my parents’ divorce when I was a teenager. A very formidable time for a young girl to lose her family unity to parents who wanted to find their “happiness” and weren’t mature enough to understand that the children they created in their marriage still needed them, regardless of how they now felt about each other.
My parents’ divorce was a confusing time for me. How does one adjust to that sort of break up? And then there is the new living situations, the new step-mother, the new step-father, all the new step-siblings? At first, you pretty much hate everyone, and that becomes very depressing. Then, you learn how to retaliate, and since you’ve always been a good girl, never causing any problems, the adults look at you and wonder what in the world is wrong? It never occurred to them the child was hurting, deeply. The child was confused, heart-broken……..forgotten. Her very foundation has been disrupted. She was once a part of a family unit with brothers and a Mom and Dad, and now that Dad hates your Mom and he tells you so. He punishes you for being upset about his actions and his words, and his lack of maturity for the child’s sake is very hurtful. And now, Mom hates your Dad and tells you so, and all you can do is cry because you love them both. Self-esteem for that child goes flying out the window. What kind of role model does that child have to help complete HER journey?
That new step Mom is pretty, she’s funny, has a great figure, and Dad loves her to pieces. I can’t be nice to her though. I would betray my mother if I did. That new step Dad is nice. He’s smart and he takes his time when we all travel together. He makes pit stops to buy boiled peanuts just because Mom wants them, and stops often to see the sights. He makes Mom happy, but I can’t be nice to him either. I would betray my father if I did.
So, what’s a girl to do? As soon as she was 18, get married and get away from all of that. So, 13 years later, two children, a college degree and a house later, she finds herself in the divorce situation again. That’s when it became time to face those demons of divorce once and for all, and begin the process of healing.
Six years after my divorce, my Mother’s untimely and premature transition (her death), threw me into another tailspin. I fell into a deep depression that nothing seemed to help.
Did I make mistakes? You bet I did. Did I screw up my kids? Yep. Did I make some of the same mistakes my parents made? Sure did. Which helped me understand them better. I then knew they didn’t intentionally hurt me but that they were hurting too. This was the first step in my ability to forgive them for hurting me. Their marriage and divorce wasn’t about me, I was just a byproduct of that marriage. Yes, they were responsible for me, my well-being and such, but they really did do the best they could. And they really did love me. They were only human. Journaling helped me get to this point. I also wrote a novel for children and teenagers that had the theme: “Children who find themselves forced into a new life, through no fault of their own, can learn to love their new life, and still remain loyal to their past.” When I realized that fact, I then began to show my love and appreciation for my step-mother and my step-father. I became more well-rounded, and began to understand the concept of unconditional love and abundance. Yes, there is enough love to go around.
Because the experience of my parents’ divorce made me a bit more in-tune to how a child feels when his or her parents divorce, I did do some things differently. So that is why I did my best to never say anything negative to my children about their father. That is why I tried my best to give my kids everything I could and let them know how much they were loved. That is why I made sure my kids always had a roof over their heads and food on the table. That is why I prayed, and suffered, and waited, and prayed some more for a reconciliation with my ex-husband. For my own sake, as well as our children.
I’m not a Saint, tho. I wanted, I needed happiness in my life too. And yes, I did meet another man and fell in love. It took some doing, a lot of work on both our parts to make the relationship work, but we did it. We also had another child, another son, who is now 28 years old.
I could see the pain my two older children suffered from their parents divorce. It was crucial to me that one day, we would all be a happy family again. All of us. My current husband with my first husband and all the respective kids and other family members that go along with all of that. However, my first husband and my second husband didn’t care about any of that. As a matter of fact, they vehemently denied it could, or would ever happen. My two older children were deathly afraid I would embarrass them, or that their Dad would be rude and unkind to me, if I continued to press the button of reconciliation.
So over the course of about 28 years,
Here’s where my personal growth has helped manifest what many thought would be an impossibility. I am the Creator of my Experience. There is no such thing as NO. I had to turn my full attention to what I wanted, and believe that well-being abounds. I believe there is no shortage of well-being, and I know that if I had the thought in my mind, that the Universe would yield my deepest desires. Not in my time, but in due time, in God’s time. I had to keep my eye on the sparrow and believe that one day, I would be able to give my children what I so desperately wanted, and needed from my parents.
I loved my first husband. He and I have a rich history together, we have two grown children and so far, two grandchildren. Well-being abounds and we can have a quality relationship because that is the way to be. Our children see that we can get along, and that must mean that we did love each other, and still do. On the other hand, my current husband and I have a child together too. I certainly can’t cross one bridge with my first husband and our children without crossing the other bridge with my second husband and our child.
I have practiced the vibration of inclusion and brotherly love where the feelings of deep satisfaction was enough. I practiced the vibration of the desire to bridge the gap between my first marriage and my second marriage long enough that the source energy I summoned flowed through me and manifested in my living room last week when my entire family spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together.
Yes, children who find themselves forced into a new life, through no fault of their own, can learn to love their new life, and still remain loyal to their past. And come to find out, so can adults, because, Love joins our Present with the Past and the Future.
Kneeling in front: My 3 yr old granddaughter Jocelyn, first husband’s wife Michelle, and Me
Standing from l to r: Christine, youngest son Charlie, Kairi, grandson Ben, daughter Melissa, her husband Ryan, first husband Mark, our son Kevin, Beverly, and husband Chuck.